Green Side Up

A woman wants the inside of her house painted and she calls a contractor in to help her. They wander around the house, and she points out the colors she wants. She says, “Now, in the living room, I’d like to have a neutral beige, very soft and warm.”

The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out and yells, “Green side up!”

The woman is most perplexed but she lets it slide. They wander into the next room. She says, “In the dining room I’d like a light white, not stark, but very bright and airy.” The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out, and yells “Green side up”!

The woman is even more perplexed but still lets it slide. They wander further into the next room. She says, “In the bedroom, I’d like blue. Restful, peaceful, cool blue.” The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then once more he goes to the window, leans out and yells “Green side up”!

This is too much. The woman has to ask. So she says, “Every time I tell you a color, you write it down, but then you yell out the window ‘Green side up.’ What on earth does that mean?” The contractor shakes his head and says, “I have four blondes laying sod across the street.”


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Speeding Blonde

A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police cruiser pulled her over and the officer walked up to the car.

The police officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde’s driver’s license. The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman “What does a driver’s license look like?”

Irritated, the blonde cop said “You dummy, it’s got your picture on it!”

The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, “Aha! This must be my driver’s license” and handed it to the blonde policewoman.

The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, “You’re free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all this hassle.”


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Two-By-Fours

Thought you’d enjoy a blonde man joke. Laughter is a good thing.

A couple of blonde men in a pickup drove into a lumberyard.
One of the blonde men walked into the office and asked, “We need
some four-by-twos.” The clerk said, “You mean two-by-fours, don’t
you?”

The man said, “I’ll go check,” and went back to the truck.
He returned a minute later and said, “Yeah, I meant two-by-fours.”

All right. How long do you need them?” The customer paused for
a minute and said, “I’d better go check.” After awhile, he returned
to the office and said, “A long time. We’re gonna build a house.”


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Glasses

Three blondes were all vying for the last available position on the local police force. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, “So you all want to be a cop, eh?”

The blondes all nodded. The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a file folder. Sitting back down, he opened it up and withdrew a photograph, and said, “To be a detect, you have to be able to DETECT. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars, etc.” So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about 2 seconds. “Now, he said, “Did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?”
The blonde immediately said, “Yes, I did. He only has one eye!”

The detective shook his head and said, “Of COURSE he only has one eye in this picture! It’s a PROFILE of his face! You’re dismissed!”

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office. The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, “What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?”
The blonde immediately shot back, “Yep! He only has one ear!”

The detective put his head in his hand and exclaimed, “Didn’t you hear what I just said to the other lady? This is a PROFILE of the man’s face! Of COURSE you can only see one ear!! You’re excused, too! You’d never make a good detective!”

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turn his attention to the last blonde and said, “This is probably a waste of time, but….”. He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, “Alright. Did YOU notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?”
The blonde said, “Yes, I did. This man wears contact lenses.”

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, “You’re absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could tell that by looking at this picture?”
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, “DUH! He has only one eye and one ear, he certainly CAN’T WEAR GLASSES!


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Skipping

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a
diet. “I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day,
and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you,
you’ll have lost at least 5 pounds.”

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing
nearly 20 pounds.

“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor said, “Did you follow my
instructions?”

The blonde nodded, “I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going
to drop dead that third day.”

“From hunger, you mean?” asked the doctor.

“No, from skipping.”


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Work Joke

There are three ladies working together in the same office – a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. After a while, they begin to notice that each day their boss, who is also female, leaves work early.

After this pattern continued for a few weeks, one day they decide that as soon as their boss takes off they’ll leave right after her; after all, she never comes back or calls so how would she know? So, after their boss takes off they all leave as planned.

The brunette was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her spa before meeting her dinner date. The redhead was thrilled to be home early; she did a little gardening and went to bed early.

As for the blonde, she was so happy to finally come home early for once. But when she got to her bedroom she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly, quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS! Ever so gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house without saying a word.

The next day during their coffee break, the brunette and redhead mentioned leaving early again and asked the blonde if she wanted to go with
Them.

“NO WAY!” The blonde exclaimed, “I damn near got caught yesterday!”


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Eye Sight

A blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses. The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye.

The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor, in disgust, took a paper lunch bag with a hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters.

As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face. “Look,” said the doctor, “there’s no need to get emotional about getting glasses.” “I know,” agreed the blonde, “But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames.”


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Blondes Love Football

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team’s bench. Of course, blondes love football.After the game, he asked her how she liked it.

“Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.”

Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, “What do you mean?”

“Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was…

‘Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’

I’m like…Helloooooo? It’s only 25 cents!!!!”


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Flying Blonde

A plane is on its way to Detroit when a blonde woman in economy class gets up and moves into an open seat in the first class section.

The flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must sit in economy class because that’s the type of ticket she paid for.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Detroit and I’m staying right here.”

After repeated attempts and no success at convincing the woman to move, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-piolet that there’s a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat. The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, “I’m blonde, I’m beatiful, I’m going to Detroit and I’m staying right here.”

The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, “You say she’s blonde? I’ll handle this. I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde.” He goes back to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry,” then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss.

“I told her first class isn’t going to Detroit.”


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Blondes & Football

A guy decides to bring his new blonde girlfriend to a football game. After the game is over, he asks her if she liked the game.

She replies: “Oh it was great, I loved watching those men in tight clothes, but there is one thing I don’t understand.”

“What did you not understand ?”

And the blonde says: “Well, at the beginning of the game, both teams flipped a quarter to see who would kick off first. Then the rest of the game everybody was yelling get the quarter back, get the quarter back, get the quarter back. So I thought to myself, gosh it’s just a quarter!”


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